A THEOLOGICAL JOKE
Recently my friend Robert forwarded to me this joke submitted to Dr. Laura
Schlessinger who is a US radio personality dispensing advice to people who
call in to her radio show. Recently a listener wrote in and said that, as an
observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to
Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The
following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident and posted
on the Internet. It was e-mailed to Robert by a fellow “croppie” and he
forwarded it to me. It's funny, as well as informative.
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have
learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as
many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle,
for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to
be an abomination. End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other
specific laws and how to follow them.
1). When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a
pleasing odour for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbours. They
claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
2). I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus
21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3). I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her
period of menstrual cleanliness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I
tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence.
4). Leviticus 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and
female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of
mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not to Canadians. Can you
clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
5). I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2
clearly states that he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to
kill him myself?
6). A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is a
abomination of Leviticus 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than
homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?
7). Leviticus 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I
have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does
my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
8). Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair
around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus
19:27. How should they die?
9). I know from Leviticus 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes
me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10). My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19:19 by planting two
different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made
of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to
curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the
trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? (Lev. 24:10-16).
Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do
with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14).
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can
help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and
Your devoted disciple and adoring fan,
A PRAYER FOR UNBELIEVING FRIENDS
May they see the Light.
That was a very funny joke (above) that you e-mailed me, but only dedicated
disbelievers in Moses and/or Christ would find it truly funny. Never the
less, it is so cute that I just had to pass it along to all my disbelieving
in-laws and friends. However, as a believer that crop circles are at least
one of the “signs” of Christ’s return in Acts 2:19, I can't help but add a
The “missing link” between the Old and New Testament law is, of course, that
Christ's message meant that if His teachings were followed, the 10
commandments and all the 613 Levitical laws would be reduced to only two:
1), love your God with all your heart and soul, and 2), love your neighbour
as yourself (Matt. 22:37, 39; Mk. 12:30, 31). With just these two New
Testament laws in place, all the rest of the Old Testament laws would become
redundant and unnecessary because of a huge attitude adjustment in man. Some
of the religious leaders of Christ’s day (the Sadducees and the Pharisees)
considered this huge reduction in the number of God’s laws as blasphemy
mostly because it would put them out of a privileged job in a slave society.
They “earned" (or justified) their relatively easy living by interpreting
all these 623 laws among which were complex instructions detailing God’s
law, civil law and Temple worship ceremonies (the 10 commandments, 613 + 10
As if this wasn't “work” enough, they added numerous ridiculous job creation
laws called fence laws to the stew. For example, disciples were not to pick
grain (Matt. 12:2), heal the sick (Matt. 12:14) or even comb your hair
(because this was considered as "ploughing" as in ploughing a field) on the
Sabbath thus breaking the 4th commandment not to work on the Sabbath. Christ
vigorously condemned such silly traditions: “…their teachings are but rules
taught by men” (Matt. 15:9; Mark 7:8). Christ the “lawbreaker” was thence
convicted of blasphemy and sentenced to a horrible death (Matt. 26:65;
27:26; Mark 14:64, 15:15).
Since all things belonged to God in the beginning and will belong to Him in
the end (and in our end too), God doesn’t need our ritualistic sacrifices to
Him in the form of burnt bulls, lambs, rams, goats, grain, wine, money or
anything else for that matter. He desires spiritual purity but we substitute
materialism and ignore that you can’t take it with you. “Naked I came from
my mother’s womb, and naked I will depart” (Job 1:21). God used Moses to
institute the Old Testament sacrifice ceremonies only to demonstrate, by
example, our spiritual need for Him, His sovereignty and ultimately His Love
for all His Creation through His Better Sacrifice. Christ’s Better Sacrifice
not only unites the Jews with the Gentiles, it reconciles all man with God.
A Better Sacrifice
“While the Old Testament law prescribed animal and grain sacrifices to deal
with the problem of sin, Old Testament writers made clear that God really
wanted obedient lives, not ritual performances (Isaiah 1:11-17 for example).
Hebrews 10:5-9 quotes Psalm 40:6-8 in explaining that Jesus’ sacrifice made
all the animal sacrifices obsolete. Only Jesus’ sacrifice has the power to
actually forgive sins and change lives” (page 513, Zondervan’s New Student
Bible, New International Version).
But the Pharisees not only are very much still with us today, they are
growing in (global) power (= the New World Order) with the gap between the
privileged and non-privileged nations and the gap between individuals within
nations growing deeper and wider, a condition preceding all revolutions. The
real problem is man’s spiritual lust-for-power in that Christ's message
won't work without a major change in the human heart. This power struggle
manifests itself in a materialistic desire not to need or believe in
anything more powerful than the self, including (and especially) a belief in
God. We want to need not a God. Thus the devil dwells deep in the heart of
all of us and we are deceived. Man’s original sin was being tricked into
disobedience by believing that he could become like God and need nothing:
“For God knows that when you eat of it (the tree in the middle of the garden
of Eden) your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good
from evil” (Gen. 3:5).
Wouldn't be wonderful if all our 10,000 or so laws were reduced to only two.
Talk about a wonderful constitutional recipe that has been totally ignored
for some 2000 years!! This would mean that a at least a third over the work
force of millions of expensive and “parasitic” (but “necessary” in our
“advanced” “civilization”) lawyers, doctors, bankers, police, armed forces,
jails and jail keepers, courts, security forces, watchmen, locksmiths,
social workers, food banks and at least a third of the clergy would be a
thing of the past. No more guard dogs, walls, spies or surveillance cameras
would be needed either. They (the lawyers, etc.) would soon feel very much
like the Pharisees did in Christ’s day and they too would do their best to
block this spiritual change. “For our struggle is not against flesh and
blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers
of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in heavenly
realms” (Eph. 6:12).
Yours as ever in Christ Jesus,